These Vulnerable Walls

"Some people put walls up, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down."

-Unknown.

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In time, people suffer from emotional wounds, there is no doubt about it.  As a result, they learn to use the shattered pieces of their heart to build emotional walls that (they hope) will protect them from further heart break.

The concept of "emotional vulnerability" is fascinating to me.  If you give away too much information about your past, some may learn to use this knowledge to manipulate you.  However, if you conspire to give too little, some may learn to misunderstand you and presume that you have no interest in pursuing any form of relationship, (be it romantic or platonic).

So it is ok to be emotionally vulnerable or to be solidly guarded?  Some will argue that it is simply a matter of trust.  But trust is an idea that is only developed through time and effort - (and it is, thus, the beginning of another cycle in what life calls "experience").

Because the only constant in life is "change", it is safe to assume that we all carry some kind of baggage.  This is not, in any way, meant to be a negative idea because the latter example makes reference to the fact that we all own experiences which we have learned from - and these can be positive and/or negative.

So, in the process of getting to know another, what is the correct route that must be taken?

The truth is, you can't (and should not ever) force somebody to reveal what they carry inside.  Only time will tell if this person is worth the wait - and you may be proud of the efforts you put into play; however, (and ultimately), it is up to that person to reveal what s/he can in the time that s/he is willing to spend with you.  It is a game of patience - like a game of chess that lures your partner to respond to a move you make; and it is strategic, and it takes time (and effort).

It is said that we all display vulnerable walls - some are more visible than others.  Whether these were created as a means of protection, or as a method of testing another's will to exercise the limits of their efforts, it is more than likely that, in the game of illusions and disillusions, only the experienced come out as emotionally triumphant.

Reminiscent

I drove back to the woods where, (in my youthful years), the train of all thoughts began to take shape. I had hoped to hear the soothing sounds that brought serenity to my severe inquisitions; but instead, I remembered the voice that filtered my reasons when despair brought forth harmful doubts and forced me to my knees.

It takes little effort to produce a friend from an acquaintance, but to form a meaningful relationship with precious, lasting memories are scarce, if not difficult to come by.  And as hard as it may have been to accept it, one very important lesson was learned today:  Time and distance have no weight of ruin when the bonds made between two strangers are strongly crafted.

If the message was understood correctly, today marks the day that I re-learn to cherish precious moments in my life.  The mind is a powerful instrument of creation and self-destruction, but the heart, (proven that it can think for itself), has an unspoken presence that can leave a long-lasting footprint in the lives of those who are willing to be surrounded by it.

Death does not discriminate, this is true.  But Life does not end with the last heart beat upon this Earth.  Where memories are many and the heart remains unbroken, those we have lost can be cherished through time and space – and their soul, eternal as they are, will live on forever in our hearts.

“You don’t have a soul.  You are a soul.  You have a body.”

- C.S. Lewis 

The Secret

You burdened me with a beautiful lie
And I pondered about its origin...

Whether the uniqueness of it is a well crafted design
To keep me away
Or to warn me of the reasons for your change of heart.

And now I see you only as temporary and electronic;
Testing my patience and playing with my heart.

Who did I become that made you turn away?
Had my demons startled you so soon?

Yes;
You had yet to understand the nature of my being
When you confessed upon me
Your well crafted lie.

Thoughts on 2013: (paraphrases of my reflections)

Lately, I have been finding it difficult to articulate my thoughts with the clarity in which they arrive.  (This is a surprising deal to me because, usually, I am able to play around with the broken structure of the flow of words and puzzles of my mind).  Perhaps the aesthetics of their phrases are meant to stay un-sketched as a thought and not scribed for later visual perception.  One thing is clear, and that is the reflecting capability that they offer.

Year thirteen of this new millennium has composed some interesting reflections among many – for some it was a good year, full of life-changing events that propose much bliss in the future.  For others it was a challenging year, full of disillusions and obstacles that are yet to be overcome.  For many, it was the year of turning points and realizations; of new beginnings and sudden ends.  And, although some may wish it to be over in hopes of new beginnings, it is no secret that the change toward this new bliss begins with the awareness that it is up to us to make this transition become a reality.

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I am a firm believer that “things in life happen for a reason”.  Sometimes, these reasons come as naturally as time, and they arrive unexpectedly and in a surprising manner.  The recent city-wide black-out, caused by the late winter storm, made me question and analyze my current values and my learned beliefs…

There I was, sitting in the darkness of my cold apartment, (trying to reconnect with the voice of reason that once brought me peace in the moments of most need). What I heard offered me some sound advice but in a language still un-deciphered.  As I attempt to understand what it is that was just heard, there is a sudden struggle between the beauty of the silence that surrounds me and the depressive ideals that betray my calmness - all in remembrance of the beauty that came and discarded my hopes without a shadow of a trace.  There was left a feeling of emptiness that could not be filled by the lack of air that embraced my cold, deflated lungs.  Suddenly, 2013 was a bad year.

In my balcony, as I looked out to the darkness, I was able to conclude that I am not alone; there are others who have gone through something similar, if not worse.  We could all sit alone in our self-made darkness or seek the light within us.

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It is easy to forget what truly matters when you are feeling conflicted.  When you are being forced to come out of your comfort zone, it is how you react in that moment that will decide the short fate of your near-future, but it will certainly not label the path you are destined to follow.

What is important is to know the difference between your wants and your needs; to be true to yourself as you follow the code of their guidance, and to also realize that this is a very fine line that evolves with time as you go through life-changing experiences.  These experiences, though harsh at times, help you to comprehend what truly matters and what can be taken at face value.  You may not be granted the wishes that you hoped for, but in the end, you have your health and you have your life and the love of those that truly care for you – that, alone, is wealth enough, (the kind of wealth that we often take for granted).

If expectations were set high at the very beginning and the bars were not met quite like you had hoped, it is not because someone is desiring your deterioration, nor is it because of some ‘supernatural being’ that is trying to test your faith, (unless you fancy a religious/spiritual recourse to make sense of your situations), but it is perhaps just because the experience, (however long or short-lived), is meant to be a lesson that you need to learn.

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Once I was able to learn to put my pride to the side, I began to notice that I was richer than my self-inflicted misery led me to believe.  Though the idea of love was robbed of me, it is certain that my ability to love cannot be taken, nor my ideals for affection, as a hopeless romantic.

This year, I have loved and I have been loved.  I have hated and I have been hated.  I have hurt and I have been hurt.  I have laughed and I have been laughed at.  I have ridiculed and I have been ridiculed.  I have experienced.  I have shed tears.  I have cursed.  I have dreamed.  I have lost sleep.  I have fallen, but I have also risen back up.  And although life did not grant me what I wished for this year, it certainly left me with enough breath of gratefulness and just enough to look forward to – my moment of reflection.

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There is something to be said about this year, and whether it’s good or bad, one thing is for sure: Be grateful for the memories because they will carry you forward in the year to come.

To all my friends and acquaintances:  Thank you for being you – for helping me when I needed the most help, for challenging me to move on, for stressing and frustrating me out and showing me another side of my self.  In the goods and bads, the ups and downs, life is only easy because it is not – and it is only when we realize this that we are able to attain something that is more cherished than a moment in time.

Good luck to all in the new year, and live prosperously with the experiences that are to come.

The Backup

The happiest smile with an ending of blissful tales

And the dimmest sleep in the darkness of their demise;

When the unspoken word is the loudest

And the unwanted is oblivious to their game.

To trust in fidelity where ghosts are none

But the passage of the past that still rumbles through

The crowd that stands still in the ovation of an idea,

And the end of all instincts when all is proven well.

If intuition had a speech of its own,

And if time were to translate all that wanders,

Then pain would be avoided when hearing to caution:

“Do not date one who has not let go of their past.”

The calls and the hopes, the heart’s lament had spoken

But none should have it heard between the crying passions;

For only a back-up could try in solitude to bring it light

And still feel alone in the crowded space of the one desired.

Be the plan to succeed and overcome the obstacles that appear,

Overwhelming all impossibilities and hopelessness of truth;

The matter of all that stands between the concrete and the ideal

Are the facts that you might just be “plan B”.

In truth it be told that all is swell in the cold,

That beauty lies in the depths of illusions

But darkness falls in the abyss of the broken hearted.

Trust your instincts, trust your heart, trust your soul.

No Longer Interested.

I am not interested in what you have to offer,

if what you now offer is not what I want or what I need.

I have admired your will to try and I can respect that you had to let me go;

but now that our roads are forked in different directions,

there is no need to force them to meet.

This is the true beginning of "good bye."

I have now washed away the salt that you placed in my open wound;

you are but a stranger to my past,

(a memory in the shadows of my existence),

with lessons and fatigues that taught me the value of self-worth.

I am not interested in your own stresses, nor in your inabilities to share a common dream;

you need to deal with your own demons and I need to deal with mine,

and to continue to believe that there is hope in love still alive,

(even for the jaded).

It was good while it lasted, it was nice to live the lie;

it was great to realize that somewhere out there another shares my spark.

But now that it’s all over it makes simple sense to say "good bye."

I am no longer interested in what you have to offer,

because what you now offer is not what I want or what I need.

'Til I no longer love you

Let my anger wash away the pain with its riddles,
And the memory of your image be tarnished by lament.
You will not silence my gestures of commotion,
You will not take away my grinless emotions.
You will not, you shall not!

I will bathe in the assumptions of your indecisions,
I will learn to hate you and rid me of the hope that lingers.
And soon the traces that at once remain of your existence
Shall be as alive as the voluntary amnesias of my every day;
Until I no longer love you.

I had barely finished drying my tears and you were already dancing with another...

Time for space and the gifted laments;
Of tears and tantrums not readily forgotten,
And the wants and needs of fools that bathe in the sun.

It was too good to be true.
Too shortly lived and too often mistaken;
The drama of sparks too intense to be burnt out.

Freedom was heard desired by the playful;
The unknown path of risks and fears,
Too stuck to the past to assume a present role.

So distance was forced by the single word,
And passive hatred in between a pool of disillusions;
Cried the river that flowed into an empty abyss.

Fake tears were falling through the nights,
While remorse was indulged in the eve of days;
And who could be to blame for its sudden indecision
Simply to realize the desires of unburdened infidelity.

The heartache,
The disillusion,
The stages of mental revolution.
All part of the well played game.

In the end, you were just like any other.

Love is being Vulnerable

This couldn't have explained it any better...

Para mi corazón basta tu pecho - Pablo Neruda

Para mi corazón basta tu pecho, 
para tu libertad bastan mis alas. 
Desde mi boca llegará hasta el cielo 
lo que estaba dormido sobre tu alma. 

Es en ti la ilusión de cada día.
Llegas como el rocío a las corolas.
Socavas el horizonte con tu ausencia.
Eternamente en fuga como la ola.

He dicho que cantabas en el viento
como los pinos y como los mástiles.
Como ellos eres alta y taciturna.
Y entristeces de pronto, como un viaje.

Acogedora como un viejo camino.
Te pueblan ecos y voces nostálgicas.
Yo desperté y a veces emigran y huyen
pájaros que dormían en tu alma.


PABLO NERUDA