The Chase

Sling swings of a summer fling that in time diffuses and boils into the soil - oh, but the chase was worth the tears, the frustrations, and the fears of never living it down.

But gather this, my obscene realization, that once obtained it is taken for granted.

The smiles, the joys; when one would have run miles and miles, it is then gone with the wind, and the chase is no more.

The honeymooners last a few decades, the frustrated breathe eternal.

But what do I tell those whose blinded faith engaged them so soon when they lied: "I just knew"?  My point becomes senseless as their chase was not discontinued.

Flaggerdust!

Back to the start of my equation.

You will never find another Me

You will certainly move on, and in doing so, you will find someone new who makes you happy (because life definitely goes on).  But you will never find another one like me.

No, you will never find another one like me, who showed you unconditional affection, who worked hard to entertain your soul, who made sure to maintain a smile on your face, and who recognized your fears and tried to show you the path of your way.

No, you will never find another one like me, who did not mind putting forth more effort to try to make things work, who loved you for what lies beneath your skin, who saw past your pretty face.

No, you will never find another one like me, who cherished the treasures of your thoughts, who encouraged you to think outside the box, who loved the every word that escaped your randomness.

No, you will never find another one like me, who put up with your white lies, who embraced your lost cause, who loved you more than what seemed unfair.

You will certainly move on with someone new, who will understand you and who will love you.  But you will never find another one like me, who loved you of mind, body, and soul.

From the words of a woman:

"Never trust a girl who has more guy friends than girl friends.  Even less if one of her best friends is a man, (it is highly likely that there is a history between them)."


Amen.

The drive by coincidence

Last evening I saw you drive by - your car carried you and a passenger by your side.
Needless to say, I should have felt rage that it was him who accompanied you, but instead, (and oddly enough), I felt a sigh of relief.


I'm happy that you've moved on.
Maybe he can convince you to stay in ways that I could not.

The place where it all began

I parked by the doorway of the coffee shop where it all began.

My mind, infused with the memories of that early summer day, felt the incommodities of not knowing what and how to feel.  In reminiscent times, the acquaintance proved fruitful - even I, who no longer believed in "love at first sight" became infatuated by the idea of tasting her lips as we walked through the greens of a nearby park.  And I knew of her more than I thought to know her; and vice-versa.

But the interest scripted the story, which has now come in full circle.  Three times of trials and error were amplified once more by sudden realizations.  And so, the acquaintances who gave in to lust and hopeless ideals, now became stranger than strangers; forgotten in the distance that seems so close and yet so far; forgetting the breaths of one another's existence.

So I am parked here again, standing in front of the doorway of the coffee shop where it all began...

"One medium ice-cap, please."

Rain, Rain, DON'T go away!

Oh rain that drips above my shelter;

Soothing, calming;

Adding tranquility to the serenity of my way.

Oh drops that trickle down my veins;

Exposing, nurturing;

Caressing the mood of this gloomy day.

How rapid was your instinct to read the matters of my mind,

How unnerving was your unearthing and the thoughts you could find;

How slow was your reaction to avoid the shell of my bones;

How you revealed the treasures once forgotten and turned into stone.

Oh rain that came, oh rain that went;

Your quick temper tickles my pain.

Oh rain that carries a wind of repent;

Your short visit will fade with the plains.

Random Conversation 2

The memory of her became tainted by the unveiling of recent truths.
The passion, the affection, the connection - all shrouded by the bitterness of visible lies and the realization that I was played for a fool.


"But you knew there was something there that was not quite right."
True, but I thought it may just have been something my mind conjured due to the need for proof of trust...
"You mean, due to the paranoia that had you believe it was too good to be true?"
NEVER! I've given her all the benefit of the doubt!
"In your own way, perhaps.  But they did not perceive it that way, I presume?"
Yes...but it was given nonetheless!
"So why were they not confronted?"
I saw her in his arms, and she had posted the images purposefully.  And then I saw the other wearing half his clothes and his hands on her ass!
"Oh? And what did these two say?"
That nothing happened really...I was overreacting.
"Bullshit!"
I know!  And she dared to challenge my questioning, claiming I was a fool for not trusting her!
"Nobody with respect for their own relationship would stay up past dawn partying in another continent with a complete stranger who keeps his hands all over her drunken body!"
Exactly my point.  Even if she told him that she was seeing me, we both knew that something happened that night!
"I hear ya.  And what about this last one? What did she do?"
Well what can I tell you.  It started too well that it made me uncomfortable.  And how was I to prove it when she made sure to keep the photos of him hidden from me?
"So how did you find out?"
He wrote to her often and I read it all - but she could deny contact with him whenever I'd ask.
"I see...well burn them all in the hell of your past!"
I intend to.  And so now, when I see the memory of us, I can't help but feel that my time with her was truly wasted.
"A double edge sword!  You learned a lot from this."
Truly speaking, if there's no trust there's no relationship!
"We both know that."
As did they.  I told her that I dislike being lied to.  She said the same goes for her...
"She lied."
Oh only constantly!
"Well, you're better off!"
My mind definitely agrees.  My heart, on the other hand, still feels for her...
"Love?"
Hell no!  What it feels is betrayal!
"Understandably so.  But let Karma deal with her."
She'll get what she deserves?
"I promise you, she will."

Considering the Possibilities...

It is said that in order to better understand oneself, man must travel - whether it is as far away as another continent, or as close as the next neighbouring city.  So I travelled.  And through my travel experiences I learned that the grass is not always greener on the other side.  The pastures of our own backyard can be just as lively and just as healthy, if and when the proper time and care is taken to cultivate what has already been taken for granted.
But prior to learning of this truth, I simply pondered: Why do people feel a need to travel?  My answer came in the form of puzzles that I gathered in time and watched as it took shape to reveal its colourful intent.
People often want to leave their home and venture into the unknown with the hopes of filling a void that is only present as a result of some form of personal neglect.  This form of neglect comes from within - so it is easy to pretend that nothing in the homeland satisfies and; therefore, it is meant to be found elsewhere in the distance. In most circumstances, it is a sense of unhappiness that triggers this desire to test the will of self on stranger lands.
This concept above lead me to break free from the sheltered world I lived in.  And I travelled far away from all comforts; learning, and learning again.  Not only did I learn to appreciate my homeland for the wonderful possibilities that it has to offer, (thus realizing the fact that I had taken many things for granted), but also, through my journey, I learned to discover the essence of self.
I'm glad that I did it and, in a way, I'm glad that I'm not alone on this.
So to answer my previous ponder, I feel as though it is, at times, necessary to take this 'escape route' (as some would call it) when nothing else will satisfy.  Just as important, it is necessary to distance oneself from all comforts and test the will to strive for success in an unknown land where unfamiliar experiences are unavoidable.
Returning to where the heart beats the happiest taught me to appreciate the life I can now lead.  I am fully aware of the various possibilities that are presenting themselves and I am even more aware of my self, (my weaknesses, my strengths, and my abilities to make the right and wrong decisions).

But Change being constant and desires always addressing the needs and wants of all individuals makes it (somewhat) difficult to maintain this sense of awakening.  Sometimes, external factors, such as society's structure or personal matters, have a way of testing this old sense of alertness, causing discomfort within.
Though in my mind and heart I once felt a sense of emptiness and I fed them with my explorations "down-under", I feel as though the sense of fulfilment is being tested yet again as time progresses.
So now I am, once more, considering the possibilities.  The possibilities of integrating myself into something that is somewhat unknown, and somewhat distant - because, technically speaking, I would not really be leaving this "home and native land."
To the East lies a new source of inspiration, and I am taking into consideration exploring what it has to offer my new curiosities.  There's always room for growth.

When I was daydreaming of Summer

Air flare glooming, heat strokes blooming,

Fire in the eyes and contemplations booming;

Sunshine, daisies, bottom mellows,

Wet sunglasses, holy yellows:

Music zooming, air sprays looting,

Canines drooling, quick dips cooling;

Summer loving, sweating, eating;

Healthy body, resting, running;

All smiling – I am king:

Loving the fresh air that embraces me deep.

Water waves take me to a land full of daydreams;

Reminiscent of the old ways with a smile on my face.

Birds chirping, glaring, gliding above;

Fish nets floating, catching, glowing;

Summer loving, feasting, drinking;

Tearing for the sun to cool my being.

Quick dips, feet run away;

The body stays still against the wall coming forth.

Children playing, kites for chasing;

Walks, rehearsing, reversing their downplay;

A quick tour of what’s coming;

Summer dreaming, summer loving.

"The eyes are the windows to the Soul," she said.

She said she saw sadness in my eyes...I wondered  how she was able to read past my smiling image.  It was as if the photograph that she examined was too easily deciphered; not omitting the sense of emptiness that I was feeling upon its capture.
And my words, she read them like an autobiography that unearthed most secrets kept within my mind.  I wondered, "how else am I betraying my essence of mystery?"
She said there would be no way of countering this explanation; she said she had gotten a glimpse of my soul. And here I wondered why this stranger did not make me uncomfortable, nor did I feel the urge to hide behind the blanket of inexplicable vagueness that idles the mind to succumb to the acceptance of confusion.
She made me question it.
Now I stare at my eyes, waiting for a glimpse of my Soul to speak to me.

A Resurfacing Struggle

My traits are scattered like ashes onto an uncontested ocean.  My sense of being, my beliefs; the values of thoughts and guidance that once hid the dark passenger from the views of future victims - it is being hindered by something obscure, something unknown yet familiar.


I find myself struggling with the discipline lost at the crossroads; trying to remain calm, to keep my sanity, to ameliorate the discontent that threatens to resurface...
I dislike the indecision to fight for the unbeatable or take flight into the nothingness of broken promises.  The hope being that my lessons learned will be remembered and applied dutifully as I had myself convinced that I was not, indeed, mad.


Where am I to go if home-sweet-home is a mirage, a reflection of my man-made hell?


I inquire within...

Late Night Call

You have a few drinks, so you make the call thinking that it will satisfy.  But then you realize that the sense of emptiness is more overwhelming than what you thought you could bare.






I hope you're happy with what you did that night you made the late night call.

My Ideal Woman

I created a list long ago, registering every characteristic that is necessary in my ideal woman.  These were traits that I thought would be suitable to match with my own personality; qualities of mind, body, and soul that seemed as logical then as what I thought to be wise.

Experience may have jaded my ability to trust; though I do not regret the heartaches that came and went with the winds of seasons past.  And the eyes that once seduced me no longer share a colour of interest; and the words that once romanticized their world no longer spread their intent in my own.  In the past these were acquired and cherished with my vulnerability, simply because they allowed me to check off an item from the old list of my ideal woman.

But in time, my own personality has changed; it has adjusted to better understand the many predicaments of life.  With this change, my desires for the personality of my ideal woman adapted a new vision.  And now, the person who should balance my asymmetry sits between the corner of experience and a portrait so vague that she becomes impervious to description.

In this present age, my needs and wants have been scripted with a clearer shade of ink, and some of the old features on that list no longer apply to the old fantasy that captivated my desires.

So, today, I write a new list – one that is healthier and more at peace with the logic of my heart.  A list that seals no closure to the possibilities that will come; a list that does not disfigure my personal ambitions for acceptance of what will be.  Today I write the new list of my ideal woman.

You asked me to hate you so that we would not suffer with the letting go

You wanted to make it easy on you because you already had plans of moving on, (and I hope you’re happy with him again).

You showed me your true colours, and your deceits, and your plans for promiscuity while in my absence; all so that I could learn to hate you and let you go.

Well it worked. 

And though hating you would be giving too much credit to your maltreatment of what we used to have, a dislike will suffice for now.

Have a good life!

I loved you like Nature loves the Elements - the uncontained Heart of Nostalgia

I loved you like the Sun loves a clear sky in the noon hours of day; embracing the sounds of Nature’s echoes, playing hide-and-seek with the white of fluffy clouds.

I loved you like the Moon loves a starry night in the eves of twilight; embracing the soothing bursts of fresh air, serenading thoughts to the melodies of crickets that hide their stare.

I loved you like the Elements of our made-up nature – you were Air, and I was Fire, Water, and Earth combined.

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Your breeze intrigued movement to the calm of my ocean - you brought the waves that caressed the surface of desires with your timely stranger influence.  The serene glass turned to currents, and this Water gave life to an oscillating effect of playfulness that only spontaneity could create – and you accompanied my endeavors, acknowledging my thirst to feed my boredom…

Your zephyr caressed the planes of my external empty shell - you brought peace to the shallow planes of commotion with your tender soothing appreciation.  The dried up dessert turned to life, and this Earth gave existence to greener pastures in my own backyard – and you settled in its unstable foundations, claiming shelter for a while…

Your gentle wind whispered a breath to the spark that was lighted dimly in the dark - you brought it to life with your persuasive word.  The glitter turned to Fire, and this Fire gave life to a world of wonders that only the secrets of my pen could describe – and you indulged in its complex elegance, seeing more than I was willing to share…

But like the Seasons come and gone, so did the Sun have to sleep, and the Moon had to retrieve its essence every quarter death.  And as for the Elements that claimed their glory in better lifetimes; their miscarriage was informal, and their time of peaceful interaction was short-lived.

You feared your emotional progress with these Elements was thwarting your natural desire for non-conformity.  You were Air and sought to breathe - to betray the calm before the storm, to create a gap of turmoil, and to continue your games of chasing the unattainable.  You wanted Air alone; you always had.  So you became a gust of wind that was uncontainable, blowing into the extremes of unsettled, unhappy coordinates.  Meanwhile, I remained with the thirst to burn, to bathe, to bare but given no motivation to continue. In the confusion of this sudden appearance, the Elements realized their uproar…

Your verve cast a Tsunami, and the Water destroyed its surroundings.  In a blanket of liquid, time lost its fluidity, drowning in a seascape of bubbles that burst individually and painfully.

Your vivacity created a Sandstorm, and the Earth covered all that was fruitful.  In a blanket of sand, all that once flourished now withered, buried deep under every particle of trust that faded away into oblivion.

Your despair blew out the Light, and the Fire lost its vivid lucidity.  In a blanket of darkness, the secrets averted their truthful demise, readjusting their vision to keep the dimmed spark from fading away with subconsciousness consciousness.

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Reconciliation could not bring harmony to what died during the interaction of our Cosmos.  And the Sun that I loved hid its face from the Moon that I worshipped, never again sharing a space in the sky of dusk or in the dawn of a new day.

The cycle of Seasons of lifetimes before I loved you learned to pause its persistent gamble with Fate.  Air had not yet been taught to co-exist with itself, and the remaining Elements betrayed their reasons under the umbrella of tricks and treasons.

We had not yet acknowledged, (until its timely end after Life), that our beginning had been pre-determined by the strings of Fate’s playful creativity.

But despite the irrational absurdities that wrote our time in another chain of events, I loved you like the Sun, the Moon, and the Elements combined - and that makes blissful this uncontained heart of nostalgia.

Know Your Worth

Sometimes we are deceived by our own illusions and believe that our hopeless romantic ideals will pull through.  Sometimes we forget to understand the value of our own worth and give in to mirages that hold no promises.  Sometimes we rely on another to feel a sense of affection that is so lost in translation – quite often this is the wake up of all stresses that keeps one awake at nights.

Why do we forget our worth?  Why do we not see the clarity of the problem?  Externally speaking, this is not such a complicated equation; one needs only to solve it by taking a step back and realizing that those who would not bother to be attentive to emotions are the ones who deserve you the least.  Internally speaking, it is easier said than done.  Is it due to infatuations of the heart?  Is it attachment to the idea of something inexistent?

We get hurt by someone who refuses to acknowledge our efforts, simply because we laid all our cards on the table, not realizing that all along, the game was being played by a single person.  Sometimes we refuse to see that we’re being foolish for allowing our vulnerability to be revealed to the hands of someone we barely know – because we thought we knew this person, and in the end, their true colours display a different shade of grey.

It is possible that these people never intended to hurt us.  It is probable that they never intended to stick around for a very long time.  They may have seen you as an option or a source of distraction while they sorted out their priorities.  It was you who saw beyond the present moment and took it to the extreme of hopeful measures.

In a way, losing your self-respect is what led you to feel undesired.  Disregarding your self-worth is what let you fall into the abyss of unwantedness, not your partner’s lack of affection.  You expected a change that would benefit you.

If truly you are the type of person who requires emotional attention, think first about your worth and what you feel you deserve, and then ask yourself:  Does this person have what it takes to make me feel satisfied?  If you are seeking for the chemistry that is provided to you through mind, body, and soul, then you must first inquire within if any of these are missing in the person that you’re seeing.  Then you must ask yourself with honesty whether this will be fulfilled by this person’s own will or if you’re being hopeful that it will change… (This is often a tricky task to do because infatuation seems to speak louder than logic at times and we are blinded and tricked into making the wrong decision – until someone gets hurt).

Does this person treat you the way you deserve?

If you’re not in this person’s future plans – if you feel like you are competing for attention because this person has other priorities - then this is not “the one” for you, regardless of how much you want it to be.  The hardest step (the first step) is letting go…

Last night, as she looked into my eyes...

She looked into my eyes and observed their contours as if understanding their composition.  I could not deny that I became fearful of what she would discover as she attempted to read their scars.

These eyes of mine: their history of sadness was displayed like an open book, and yet they made no effort to be hidden; screaming of their discontent, begging for a sign of affection.  But did she notice that?

No.

How could I break it to her without seeming so melodramatic, without drawing attention to my disapproval and to my instincts, which told me she only saw the surface of their glare?

She knows me, but she does not understand me.

She knows of my past, but does not know where I’m coming from.

These eyes are mirrors that cannot simply be stared at nor studied like some strange source of wonder.  I could only reveal so much through their display so as not to seem so vague, but that is not their language.

These eyes: they are fearless and timid; reassured and insecure; wise and inexperienced.

These eyes of mine hold the keys to various stages within my mind – the layers pealed away with every step traveled.

I could not deny entry to the one who seeks to endure the journey of exploring my complicated character, if only she saw past the contour of my eyes…

How the Full Moon affects the Aquarian man

I watched as the morning’s full Moon was swallowed by the ragged edges of Earth’s dawn.  Closer than normal, I could almost sense its breath as it descended into the canyons of darkness and into the depths of another land.  And I was left standing high atop a bridge, thinking of this game of hide-and-seek, feeling the heat of oranges and purples of the Sun rising at my back.  A sense of emptiness…

The birds were protesting the absence of their contemplation, singing at the top of their lungs – could it be that they understood the thoughts running through my head?  It became evident to me that nobody else would…

“Where are you going?” I asked the Moon before it abandoned the sky.

Nowhere in particular, just moving apart for a while…

“For how long?” I asked.

Until you’re ready…

“Ready for what?”

For come what may…

I pondered for a long while, turning minutes into hours, and watching morning turn to dusk.  The birds that had whispered their silence throughout my visit now sat quietly, once more, in between the branches of the trees that surrounded my atmosphere.  I was no longer trapped in a worldly bubble, and yet, the air felt as suffocating as the discomfort of my night upon the short visit of the full Moon.

Quick and distant, my logic had devised a plan to betray my sleep.  Shadows lurking behind me were left unseen, but their presence was felt by the vision of my other senses.  And then the effect of solitude was magnified trice more by the realization that truly, I was alone.

There must be a full moon outside tonight I heard them say as a response to my complaint.  The phrase seemed to be created to help make sense of out-of-the-ordinary happenings that occur within the moods of one being or another.  Was it true? I wondered.  Like the myth of men and werewolves, could the Moon have such a strong effect on the lament of an Aquarian man?

I was having too much of a playtime with my brain.  The horoscopes within could not answer the questions posed – nor could they attempt to soothe the discontent of my mood.